This is what Stupid Looks Like

written in my sleep

Picture of Aquafina bottled water

Confused?

The same idiots who complain about pollution, climate change, global warming, wasteful consumerism, greedy capitalists, evil corporations, or whatever other "environmentally aware" catchphrase (i.e. morally superior mind-vomit) you can think of, are the same exact idiots who buy bottled water.

What's wrong with this? For one, you're paying through the teeth for something that is free and insanely abundant. For twos, you're not drinking high class water. For threes, you look like an idiot. Really.

Let's start here: Environmental activists who buy bottled water are like animal rights activists who eat veal while wearing leather shoes and a fur coat. They're like staunch advocates of welfare who won't give a red cent to a homeless man. They're not like hypocrites in the most ignorant sense of the word. They are hypocrites in the most ignorant sense of the word. But let's assume you're not an environmental advocate. In that case, the most comical ironies of the ignorance inherent in pretension are still embodied by people who buy bottled water.

"TAP WATER IS SO NASTY. I DRINK BOTTLED WATER BECAUSE IT'S BETTER FOR YOU."

Define pretension.

The bottled water industry is regulated by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), whereas tap water is regulated by local municipalities. The FDA only inspects water bottling plants once a year. Local regulators of tap water are required to inspect those water treatment plants between every day and every two weeks. Which one is healthier now, you ass-hat?

"BUT BOTTLED WATER TASTES SO MUCH BETTER THAN TAP WATER. TAP WATER TASTES LIKE CHLORINE."

Let me guess... you think Kettle One vodka tastes better than Smirnoff. Or that a $90 bottle of wine tastes better than a $10 bottle. "I can taste the oaky flavor of the barrels this was shipped in." $100 jeans look better than thrift store jeans, right? No, you impressionable twat, they don't. Smirnoff beats top shelf vodkas in blind taste tests annually. Wine connoisseurs are pretentious cock fondlers. And the aesthetics of a pricey pair of jeans is no more apparent to the naked eye than the personality of the person wearing them. In other words, you're not really tasting what you think you're tasting, and you're pants aren't as awesome as the price tag says they are. Once you pay for something, cognitive dissonance tricks your brain into thinking you actually got something superior, when in reality the differences are minor at best, but more often than not indistinguishable. Don't believe me? Go buy a $200 pair of jeans and see how many unsolicited compliments you get. Do blind taste tests with your friends, and see what the difference of opinion really is. Then slam your face in a door for being such a naive yes-man.

"BUT I BUY BOTTLED WATER BECAUSE IT'S CONVENIENT. I LIKE TO HAVE WATER WITH ME WHEREVER I GO RATHER THAN HAVE TO FIND A FAUCET OR WATER FOUNTAIN EVERY TIME I'M THIRSTY."

picture of a guy smiling while refilling a water bottle and looking over his shoulder, with a bubble dialogue box that says "fuck you, you thoughtless hack"

Refill the same bottle, like this guy. Don't buy a case of it, you pretentious queen.

"BUT I RECYCLE MY PLASTIC WATER BOTTLES. RECYCLING IS GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT."

First, see the picture above. Second, no, recyclying is not. Further, you probably don't even know how plastic is made. Like to venture a guess? No, that level of thought might blast gaping holes in that web of inconsistencies barely holding your opinions together, which means something terrible: you might have to change your hypocritical, trivially convenient little lifestyle choices. Worse yet, it might require a thought spanning more than zero seconds. God forbid you strain your self between episodes of The Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of Nobody Gives a Shit. Here's the answer anyway: oil.

Whaaaaaaaat?

Yes, oil, that limited resource you love to bitch about, because other people are "wasting it" as you drive your SUV to McDonald's (the animal farming industry is the #1 contributor to global warming by the way). Oil is a major component of creating each and every convenient little plastic bottle of water you love to think tastes so good because it's cleverly advertised as "pure" or "fortified" with "naturally occurring minerals" (something shouldn't need to be fortified if it's naturally occurring, you advertisement sucking idiots). Not to mention the pictures of polar bears and mountain springs geared toward impressionable idiots like you. Don't complain about "the evils of corporate America" and then drink down its biggest con like your life depends on it. Damn I hate stupid.

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